Defining divorce by the orthodox, world standards, it should be riddled with pain, anger, sadness, stress as well as be a long drawn out process and financial burden. But, does it have to be that way, really? Most people will admit that the world has its issues, especially in regards to divorce. Most people are religious and/or spiritual yet toss out their core beliefs as soon as divorce has been decided. They become the very thing that they teach their children against: Vengeful, spiteful, hateful, unforgiving, unkind, selfish, etc. Even to the point of losing all common sense and not caring who gets hurt along the way. This article hopefully will be a guide to help those, once the decision has been made, onto a candid, higher path. To accept what is, move through the process with decency and self-respect and on to a new life. This article is not a guide to help you consider divorce nor talk you into it. This article is to help you make the transition through the divorce once the decision has been made. I know this is also a timing issue. This will not always fall into your hands at the right time but nevertheless it is good advice, even after the divorce. I use the word Unorthodox because it is time we stopped conforming to archaic, out-dated standards. This time in your life is a time to be self-centered. To find and center on our “Higher” selves. The advice I am going to share won't be easy and will take work. You need an open-mind and a willingness to try an unorthodox approach. Always tell yourself, “look at the alternative!” This unique perspective has helped many people, including myself. There was still pain, grief, sorrow, etc. BUT I decided, why make the divorce process harder? Why create more pain and more expenses?? Why should I expect good results from bad energy and emotions? So, I did the opposite. Everything that society says is the norm, I tried my hardest to contradict and something cool happened, it worked and has continued to work after wards, surprisingly! It is my hope and prayer that this article can open your mind, show you a different point of view, to find forgiveness, compassion, kindness and love where society says there shouldn't be any. “You have a right to your joy; children or no children; spouse or no spouse. Seek it! Find it! And you will have a joyful family...And if they get up to leave you, then release them with love to seek their joy.” -Neale Donald Walsch WTF! Lets imagine for a moment that you are being prepped for heart surgery of some sort and the doctor comes in, sits by your side and says, “We will not be using anesthesia for this operation.” “WTF!” would most definitely be your reply, wouldn't it? Yet through the operation of divorce we do exactly that. Experience it with as much pain as possible, but not just limited to ourselves. No, we want to create pain in others as well, even our beloved children. So that would be like having them in the operating room next to us feeling every bit of pain we are experiencing with no numbing effect. So, now that I have brought some perspective to your decision to get divorced lets start off with my first piece of advice. Tell no one! I know, I know, that was just about the most unorthodox piece of advice there could be. Tell no one about you and your spouses decision to get divorced, and I mean no one (or as few as possible if you already have). This is going to be a little hard to do but in the long run, so worth it and the benefit is felt by all. Going back to the operation analogy. By telling and involving others would be like having everyone in the operating room telling the doctor and you to do this and that. Creating absolute pandemonium. The Doctor would not be able to concentrate, you are wide awake with no anesthesia in a great deal of pain and everyone is there giving their 2 cents on what the doctor is doing right, wrong, complaining that your not under, can't believe the kids are in here with you, why didn't you take better care, this is all your fault, this is all his fault, a barrage of “if only's” come out and much more. Kids crying, needing your attention because they are watching this horrific scene unfold in front of them. Dealing with everyone's perception of the situation which are all just that, their perceptions, will be like having a bucket of lemonade poured on the already open wound on the operating table. And this is exactly what most people do when if comes to divorce. There is a reason no one is allowed in the operating room. It is an important time and great care needs to be given its full attention so it can be a success and you and the others around you can heal quickly physically and emotionally. Since you have already made this choice to divorce the last thing you need is a 100 people telling you likewise. Our friends, family and loved ones seem to have the answers, but no one has experienced what you and your family have, so no one can relate. No one knows your past experiences, your thoughts, your emotions. Your divorce is truly unique. But everyone seems to have all the answers. There will be some to console and feed the pity and there will be those that fill you with poison against your spouse. There will be those that blame, argue, add guilt, etc. You need this like you need a hole in the head at this time. There will be some you think will support you and will not and vice verse. All this does is bring confusion, remember we need to find our “Higher” selves and center on that. Don't take the chance and don't tell a soul. The benefit to your spouse would be knowing that you are not going to everyone and finding ammunition for warfare and they would know you are not doing the same against them. The benefit to your children is incredible. Everyone wants to save the children so everyone becomes their therapists. Putting them in a terrible situation of choices, thoughts, feelings, explanations and worst of all, choosing sides. They will know sometime so find the time to tell them that will be the least painless. So, your children will be part of those you do not tell. They do not need to know what is happening. This takes some awareness on you and your spouses part. It will take some work, but in the long run the benefits of not having to see your “surgery” will be less painful for your kids. After all is said and done you can share with those around you that you are now divorced and all that they will be able to say is, “WTF?!” "A couple does not announce to the world the time they come together as one to consummate a marriage or create a child, but will stand on rooftops to announce the destruction of both." Pick a Virtue “As we allow the world to touch us deeply, we recognize that just as there is pain in our own lives, so there is pain in everyone else's life. This is a birth of wise understanding. Wise understanding sees and accepts life as a whole. With wise understanding we allow ourselves to contain all things, both dark and light, and we come to a sense of peace. This is not the peace of denial or running away, but the peace we find in the heart that has rejected nothing, that touches all things with compassion.” - Jack Kornfield If there ever was a time in your life to be virtuous, it is now. My second piece of advice would be to start the process to forgive your spouse. You can not change the past. The future will bring what it brings, so that leaves the present moment. At this time in your life, some choices to make the moment the best it can be would be a good thing. “Come to each moment cleanly, without a previous thought about it, you can create who you are, rather than re-enact who you once were....Ignore your previous experience and go into the moment. Be Here Now. See what there is to work with right now in creating yourself anew.” So forgive them. But be careful because it doesn't end there. Be compassionate, kind and loving. Now, the reason I am telling you to be these things is that every emotion you are experiencing is funneling down to your kids. You transpose it all right onto them. The innocent ones. So, why not transpose some good ones. I know what your thinking, there is too much pain, and it hurts too much. Every book I have read on the subject including healing books, spirituality and self help books, all point to the healing power of forgiveness. Why delay the anesthesia any longer. Start to forgive. Buddhism teaches that if you hit someone with a stick you are hitting yourself. Which means, if you hit someone long enough they will eventually get a stick and hit you back. Christianity teaches, do unto others as you would want them to do to you. “Forgiveness gives us the capacity to make a new start...And forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew...In the act of forgiveness we are declaring our faith in the future of a relationship and in the capacity of the wrongdoer to change.” -Desmond Tutu and... "We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power of love." -Martin Luther King Jr. So being the Unorthodox Bad Asses that we are, lets try something different and do the opposite of everyone else and see what comes back to us. Don't be spiteful, callous, full of poison, hateful and unforgiving. Truly try to forgive yourself and your spouse as well as put your children first and you will be amazed at the outcomes. If you love your children, then show them what you preach. Show them love by not making victims out of yourself or them. This can be a great learning experience for your children. Something that can help them with their own relationships and especially their relationship with you and your spouse. Give them faith in humanity and in you. Children do not get to see emotional role models very often as they grow up. Someone who they visually get to experience acting in a virtuous way or showing unconditional love. Show them that your experience through divorce is not about “for-getting” but “for-giving”....Give them this gift. “To value love above gain is already such a major shift of attitude that it transforms life.” -Dr. David R. Hawkins I just got off the phone with a dear friend of mine that babysits her nephew quite a lot. Her nephew is a handful to say the least, lashing out, tantrums, hyper-active, etc. So if you can relate to having a child like that please consider the following advice.
The child is not the cause! Everyone hyper-focuses on affects and ignores causes. Looking at causes forces us, as adults, to be honest and candid with ourselves as well as having to own things that we do not want to own. Yes, you may actually be the cause, consider that! ADD is an affect, personality disorders are affects, tantrums, lashing out, hyper-activity, etc. Numbing them does not work, so stop. Look at yourself first with candor and honesty. The body and mind can heal themselves physically, it can also emotionally and mentally if we create the right conditions that are conducive to healing. If you take a child that is believed to have ADD and allow them to do what they love, the ADD goes away. ADD is not the problem, it was not helping the child find what they love. (yes that takes some work) It was forcing a non-linear child into a linear world or vice-versa. It's like forcing Huckleberry Finn to go to school, it will not work. Stop with unrealistic expectations. Nurture the Huckleberry within. A child may hate math but love to fish and if nurtured the potential of that child to grow up successful, happy and prosperous is greatly increased. Deepak Chopra once said that if his child struggled in math but loved tennis that he would not hire a math tutor but a tennis coach. Nature has great answers for us if we only look. A child is just like a seed. If you plant the seed, it needs to be in fertile ground. You don't know what's going to grow out of the soil. But if every week you stir the soil up, the seed won't grow properly. If you neglect it, it will not grow properly. If you demand the leaves before the roots, it will not grow properly. If you give it too much, it will not grow properly. There is an order in nature and it works. How we are raising our children is not working and it is not their fault. It is ours, and it is not even really ours because we are doing what we were shown. And this I do know for a surety and I know most can relate to this. When the tree starts to emerge and we see what it is going to become and we don't like it, we try to change it. This is where big problems happen for everyone. A tree starts to emerge and it is an oak tree and the parents don't like it so they start to force it to be an apple tree. What do you think is going to happen? An explosion and not a healthy one. Imagine yourself being taken out of a situation that you love, one that you can freely express yourself in love, communication, creativity and put into the exact opposite. YOU WOULD EVENTUALLY TAKE TANTRUMS, COULDN'T FOCUS, BECOME ANGRY, RESENTFUL, BOTTLED UP ENERGY MANIFESTS IN HYPER ACTIVITY, PERSONALITY DISORDERS. And if you are already doing that, maybe it is time to change your lifestyle to one where you can find balance and peacefulness. It is proven scientifically that the mind can rewire itself. It can heal itself. Drugs do not heal, they pacify and numb. They remove affects but not fix causes. Taking ownership is the first step. Second is educating yourself on causes and how what YOU can do to change the cause, especially if the cause is you. Not wait for someone or something else to hopefully fix it. This is not about perfection but upping the odds in our favors. To have more peace, happiness and joy. The current system may bring a little of that, but at what cost? The mind and potential of a child? Please understand I am speaking in generalities because it would be impossible to speak about every specific situation. The truth remains, if something is not working, look for the cause, educate yourself, own it, change yourself first then go without. One more thing, young children do not understand stress and worry. They definitely feel it when we transpose it on them, but they do not understand it. It is a very real thing, this energy. Part of the awareness is realizing this and making adjustments. How can a child be a child if that is there as a hindrance? Transposing negative emotions on a child is no different than taking a baseball bat to them, it does just as much damage, you just don't see it until it's way down the road. If we as parents have the ability to choose to drop our pants when we pee, we have the ability to make other choices. Why do we drop our pants, because we understand the benefits of that. We know if we don't the havoc that ensues. We are not victims to the belt that can never be undone. We can choose to shift our energy, we have that ability. We always have the ability to make another choice. We can be the solution. We ARE the solution. It is absolute and total madness as well as complete elation mixed with banging ones head against the wall. A recipe for raising children to be sure. This could be an extremely long article, so with that in mind I will try to keep things short and sweet. But this topic deserves a great deal of attention. 1. Energy Everything you feel, whether you accept to believe it or not or are aware of it, is transposed on the child. We will all admit that there are those that when they walk into a room sucks the very life out of it and those that fill the room. This "energy" can be healing or it can be destructive, even without a word spoken. Children are very susceptible to this energy, and this energy can manifest itself in the child emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Before you begin to teach and guide a child, there needs to be good energy: love, compassion, gratitude, forgiveness, kindness, etc. If you do not, there will be an extra helping of the head banging against the wall. So be aware of how you feel before being around a child, especially before kicking into teaching mode. It won't always be perfect, but lets increase the odds greatly for beneficial teaching moments then not. 2. Love and trust, not fear and doubt Teach them how to look at people and situations through love and trust, not fear and doubt. Your children live a paradox...they will love you and they will fear you. Fear weakens where love strengthens. Fear destroys where love heals. Fear enslaves where love is freedom. It is our responsibility understanding this difference to make a choice which tool we will use to teach our children. So how does one remove fear? Educate and empower. To teach them that life is a game and to find joy and fun, not a test where they are constantly micro-managed and judged. That if we love, that love should be without conditions and if there are no conditions, there are no expectations and if there are no expectations then one can be free to create the life one chooses (free-agency or loving-choices because love is freedom). No this does not mean to let them run a muck in anarchy, but to guide and help them. It means to teach them how to play the game with the highest of virtues, to teach them how to find their truth in the contrasts of their life and that they can choose at anytime to change the game, start over and find others to play with. Another way to help them see and experience life with very little fear is to help them understand "illusions". These are common illusions we ourselves buy into and teach our children that they are real, when in fact, they are not. a. Need (There is an agenda) b. Failure (The outcome in life is in doubt) c. Separate (We are separate from each other and God/Universe/Source) d. Insufficiency (There is not enough) e. Requirement (There is something we HAVE to do) f. Judgment (If you do no do it, you will be punished) g. Condemnation (The punishment is everlasting damnation) h. Conditionality (Love is, therefore, conditional) i. Superiority (Knowing and meeting these conditions, renders you superior) j. Ignorance (You do not know that these are illusions) *Taken from Neale Donald Walsch's Conversations with God books If you can teach a child how these are just man-made illusions, and how to use them to their benefit, you will empower them and remove a great deal of fear. They will see life as a joyous and a loving (without conditions) experience. They will also love themselves. They will learn that they don't need love, or want love, that they are love. They will have a deeper sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. They will speak the truth, rely on intuition, wisdom and knowledge. Just imagine the life that you would have lived if you never had fear or bought into these illusions. "In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true." - Buddha 3. Educate / Empower Masters do not create followers, they create more masters. Jesus taught to teach a man not to rely on someone to fish for them, but to be fisherman themselves. Buddha shares, "All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?" We are all problem-makers, but there are very few that are problem-solvers. I never want my child when approached with a situation to react out of fear due to me, their mother, their religion or their God (I am not going to smoke pot, my dad, if he finds out, will kill me). I want them to look at it from several angles, to think about it, to educate themselves about it and to come to their own answer or solution. It is our job to teach them, not give them answers, or consequences, but to show them how to problem-solve, to think for themselves. To teach them what works and what doesn't work. Not right or wrong, because everyone's truth is different, and one way or another they will find their truth. (most of the problems on this planet is because we think "right or wrong" and demand that the other has to adopt our way of thinking) Be the ones to show them how to find their truth, not force them or guilt them to accept your truth. And in doing so, they will make this way of thinking, habitual. If your child wants to have sex, there is no way you can stop them. But you can educate them and help them "How" to educate themselves. So when they are in the moment, they will own their decision. That is the residual affect of teaching them how to problem solve...they own it. There are no victims, no blaming, just understanding, learning and moving on. To create instead of react. 4. Shut up! Listen, but listen without judgment. Let them express themselves to you without fear of punishment, retribution or judgment. This will gain their trust and that needs to be a revolving door. Do not judge them, they are a lot of times, experiencing things for the first time. And experiencing it uniquely. Help them see different perspectives but first...listen (If you need to talk, ask questions). The 2nd thing you need to shut up is your mind. Learn how to meditate and then teach the child to either meditate too or to do things that help quiet their minds. Be in nature, spend time with a pet...do things that involve all 5 of the senses and be in the moment. You will be in a better more balanced place to listen and teach and everyone loves a calm, loving teacher and especially a calm and loving student. 5. Let go! Let them grow, let them learn, let them "be". You would never run out into the garden and yell at it to grow, yet we do this to our children constantly. We need to be in control of "our" children. Control is not FORCE but POWER. Teach them how to problem-solve, how to critical think and them let them go. This is where the real learning begins. Have faith in them and your guidance. This doesn't mean they will not falter, but it does mean they will be more aware, not blame, pick themselves up, come to you for more guidance and help and move forward. Where many blame others or you, live an unnecessarily stressed life, and avoid engaging with you at all costs. What path would you choose for them and you? Show them what we all believe that God is..."UNCONDITIONAL LOVE". Of course there is so much more that can be added here. But it helps with a quick overview so we can scrutinize our current methods of how we raise our kids, see what isn't working and what is working and try new. This article is also great for dealing with friends, lovers, spouses, employees and in general, people. It is a different perspective, that hopefully can help raise our children to become the change we want in the world. It is not about perfection but more about upping the odds. If any perspective does not work for you, let it go and go find one that does. From the book "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran "And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children. And he said: Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable." |
Danny H. MatthewsWhere I am more of a UBA in training I share perspectives from other UBA's that seem to work in bringing more peace, happiness and prosperity. I am a life coach, consultant, public speaker and author. If you would like me to write on a certain topic, please email me here: [email protected] Archives
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